Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Accessibility Statement, 4 Myths About Cheating That Women Cling To. I would say it was my fault she left for sure but she never would stay and go to counseling with me she just walked. Its pretty impossible to put into words how I feel after 5 years since our family disintegrated. Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesnt exist at all." However, while you may expect to feel a bit sad about your ex moving on, you may be surprised or confused at the . I had an amicable split, ex was unhappy & I miss him & the good times and I Harbor so much guilt for not being the wife I should've been. All in all, I am at a standstill. It is just there. After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. It is best if the communication was limited on business issues only, for example, if the ex-spouse has a role to play in bringing up the children, then allow the communication to be focused solely on the child support. That can mean journaling, taking warm baths, breathing fresh air, eating good food,. We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. Helen, you need the help of a good therapist or divorce coach. Ive got friends I hardly hear from anymore. I am with a wonderful man now and I am happy, and still sad too. People can continue hurting because of the communications they still have after dissolving the marriage. "text": "You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. 22. Im so glad to.have found this post and these comments. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. It's important to set some achievable goals. This will only relieve the pain for one day and stall the healing process. I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. That was 5 years ago. Life goes on and we have to make the very best of what we have, hard and all that it is. Ultimately, I support her decision. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. I feel very lost again. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. Thank you for this. I never should have married the guy in the first place, but divorcing him was just horrible. If she's been married 10 years, I've been separated/divorced for 10 years. I do not miss him, nor do I want him back, I feel like I served my time so to speak after 15 1/2 years of marriage. Dwelling on what you should have done. Thank God I found this. Not feeling your feelings. And its been tuff, specially when He was the unfaithful, controlling, abusive one. Just an occasional issue with finances. And Jennifer L hit the nail on the head. TMZ reported that both Sidora and Pittman have filed for divorce after almost 10 years of marriage. 25 years gone after her affair. I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. Ben's Answer:The relationships that break our heart the most are often based on an idealized image of the person that we lost. Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. It is 14 years since he walked out on 30 years of being together, 29 of those married, and he is now married to the woman he had the affair with. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. And regardless of its source, shouldnt we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? The article is dead on. And I miss hugs and kisses. So much collateral damage. You see, every dream died with divorce, I was a stay at home mom and we entertained so often. That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. Now my one son and his fianc are choosing the dads side and have minimal contact with my older son, my husband and myself. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription. Being the left behind spouse I struggle a great deal. Worrying That Your Husband Isn't Really Sorry About The Affair Is A Common Reason For Being Stuck: As I said, I often see common themes or issues in wives who haven't been able to move on. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. 1. She up and decided one day she no longer wanted to be married to me or anyone for that matter. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. Try to find joy in the fact that you have those feelings for her instead of focusing on the pain of losing her. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. You deserve to come to peace with your divorce so that you can begin a new and richer life. I was excited about the changes I could see or at least was trying to reach. In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. 0. I saw my ex at a social function. I feel so sad for anyone in this position, and hope they get some relief in their situation. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. So I hope and pray that she sees that Im a different man Ive worked on myself for five years and finally listen to the Lord and except no for a no from somebody . By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. Wow, I was taken aback by this editors unkindness and lack of compassion. I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the child bride with open arms. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on. We met my freshman year of college and I truely feel that he shaped who I am today in the most positive way anyone ever could and then I left him. I would have been able to still respect him. },{ I certainly dont want someone back in my life who is capable of causing such sorrow in others and not giving a damn, but it feels like part of the family is missing. Thank goodness our children are grown and have started families of their own, so no coparenting or custody to deal with. This is the best article I have read on this topic. I dont see them as often as Id like but when I do I enjoy every moment. My head knows the Lawsuit has no value. As others have said, it gives voice to some of what I feel. Yes, I am male. I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didnt leave because something was wrong with us. Why are you holding onto it? I will never trust again or be intimate with another man. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. We were together about 12 yrs all together, until I was 30. I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. But if a marriage is in shambles, then its better for it to be called off than to remain in pain and hurts for the rest of your life. I am finding it impossible to truly heal from the breakdown of my marriage and family. Dont accept any blame..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. Also missing were 3 life policies with cash surrender values and 2 annuities. Thank you for letting us with the dead dreams know were not alone on the days its sharp. If you are enduring your marriage, there is nothing much to do but file for a divorce.It can be said that the end of a marriage is always a difficult time you don't want to go through alone. Its very hard to move on and not think or focus on the should of, would of and could of. Agree. I see my family, our friends, most couples I know retiring together, doing life together, enjoying grandchildren together, but everything we do, well its not the same. Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. Theres no going back, only accepting what lies behind & making the best of what is left. He stopped speaking to me full stop. I think that is because i still have a relationship with my ex not with him but with my refusal to let go of him. They touched upon painful feelings, paranoia, debt, and loss of friends. If you were meant to be with him you would be. The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. When we married I thought the deal was made for life. I have done nothing but cried and act emotionally out of control since I received the summons out of nowhere. Almost the minute he left I was being told to move on, make a life for myself etc. I have no support. ", Some of the common signs of depression are mentioned in an article by psy.com. I think it just fine to feel it even years later despite moving on in many respects. Its a terrible gnawing that can be pushed to the far back but doesnt seem to go away. Thank you for this article. He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. There's also the practical side of it. Couples counselling, yes, but half-assed. As the years go by following my divorce, I often think that something is wrong with me because I still feel sad. It makes me feel less alone, and it lets me know that its OK, Im not going crazy, haha! I googled this lingering pain. Best Wishes,Ben Schwarcz, MFTSanta Rosa Psychotherapist. The anger caught me off guard today, for I thought my heart had healed; deep sadness can still come around, this time of year, and I am relieved to know it isnt uncommon. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. Mistake #1: Feeling Like a Failure At the 10-year mark, 90% of the women and 70% of the men still felt that the divorce was the right decision. Add message Save Share Report Bookmark So when I need to cry, I just let it out. Recognize this for what it is: A personal full-blown pity party. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). You really cant talk to anyone about it. Allow Yourself to Be Jealous. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. Many times people start dating immediately while healing has not taken place making them suffer even more. Toughing it out. The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all). The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. My kids are well. I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. The chances of you still loving your ex-husband or wife even after a divorce are high; you lived with this person and might even have thought it would work out for the rest of your lives. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. 15 years after divorce she is bubbling over with joy, energy and health. I thought I was taking forward steps. They say it takes a year per year that you were married to heal. It will only increase the hurts and pains which will also affect your health. Its been nearly 3 years (which I suppose is not that long really, but it feels like a long time to be so sad) and I cry every day, in private, so hard sometimes that Im not sure I will be able to stop. No tool and not even with time repairs. You may have realized this after ten years; there is no need to worry, accept and take the challenge and be assured that in a short while, and pain will be past tense. Ive heard the lectures about moving on after divorce many times. 7 Cures to Move on From the Lingering Loneliness After Divorce These are the steps I took to provide an escape hatch from the intensity of the loneliness that I felt. Once in a while I cannot help but look back, even though I think Ive worked through it all. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. Cheers to a better tomorrow! The thought of having to spend the little money I have to defend myself against a frivolous lawsuit is killing me. You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out!