I have a rule of thumb for stuff like this, which is sometimes with a passive aggressive person, I just aggressively pretend they asked me a direct question or made a direct statement, and will respond as though they did. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. That doesnt make it okay. My Kid: No (shuts door again) I dont know? Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. If you dont want to go, just say so. @Helen Huntingdon, that is good to know, re feelings and setting off yellow flags. [Note to my friend who also reads CA, this is not you ], I tend to do direct invites, sometimes with a range of possible dates, but I have occasionally done the We should do [X] sometime! and had months go by without getting around to organizing [X], even if Ive extended other invitations to the person also interested in [X]. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. I cringe sometimes because a lot of the send awkwardness back to sender! advice overlaps with the kind of thing he does and yeah, it costs him. Them (if it was an invitation prequel) would Thursday at noon work for you?, Them We need to have lunch soon +1, Im the same way. Work it like a weekend warrior! "Spend some time this weekend on home improvement. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. So the next time your phone rings you will be prepared. 1. I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. I also trained myself to say, Oh just marathoning *show I like* or I picked up a new book and cant wait to dive in! which they translate to doing a thing. (I suppose they thought that before I responded that way. Great! Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. I wish that just once I had the wherewithal to respond to a manipulative invitation like LW describes with the classic Phoebe Buffet line: Oh, I wish I could, but I dont want to.. Its real. And making things even harder, so much of this is tonea chipper Why do you ask? to the above question is a soft deferral, whereas a flat Why do you ask may be offputting in a way that leverages a cost. Well, it is a basic level of people-ing that you need to get used to if you want to interact with other humans, yanno. The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. Its a little startling to hear something super serious like life is really dark so that would be a surprise here as well. This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. Tucker makes the case that there is a war against Christians happening in America on 'Tucker Carlson Tonight:' TUCKER CARLSON: You always imagine in your mind's eye that it's evil men who destroy . A little of this, a little of that. The most generic reply to a compliment is always going to be "thank you". At least once I figured out that they genuinely *didnt* need to know anything about me if they were going to behave that way I could default to oh my god Im so busy! Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. I kind of like your signature line as a response! I think youre right in general, although I dont find items 2 and 3 problematic at all. !" 6) "Come back here weekend!! Rock on, Helen. I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. Ive seen too many nightmare scenarios of late, in the wake of the Aziz Ansari mess, that start out exactly like you are describing. Answer vaguely. not? Bye. My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. And in my experience, parents of adult children dont assign their childrens plans (and wishes) the same priority as their own plans (and wishes). He sometimes vocally wonders why other teams and departments will go out of their way to help me with things but not him, and its because I respond to their small talk rather than shutting it down and gently rebuff social overtures rather than saying No, I dont want to get to know you better or similar. Accompany your morning treating with a Halloween wish. He hardly ever asks anymore though. It's healthy and doesn't cost a penny. This says "I'm doing well.". When she asks me what Im doing on a particular day, I just say Im not sure or I need to check my calendar until she tells me what she wants. Its not even really pushback. If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. This breaks the meaningless exchange of localized variations in air pressure aspect of the typical greeting, and most people seem to respond favorably to having good things introduced into a conversation. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. LW, in case youre feeling that so many comments along these lines invalidate your feelings about the question or imply that youre making a big deal out of nothing, I wanted to chime in to say that my reaction to reading your letter was an immediate OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER?!. The conversation can go like this either way and be appropriate and you not be on the spot either way. So if someone said What are you doing next Thursday? I imagine they said Would you like to do something on Thursday? My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. Yes, my current circles understand introversion well, even the ones who themselves are extraverts . But when asking, I still tend to ask in layers so the other person has many outs to either say no or express no. Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. Unhelpful? Its 2018. If they want to tell you about their job, they can. In my experience small-talking cashiers/customer service people, giving them an opening to chat is the surest way to get out of having to fill the conversation myself. There are variants but this one is always appropriate in all situations. Tomorrow is the weekend! That's why you should remember these funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for the next time the question pops up: If you have no idea what degree you're going to get or where you want to live in the future, pretend that you have something big planned, but don't want to ruin the surprise. etc. (Seriously? Why do I feel entitled to some assistance or attention from the 24-year-old who lives in my home, taking up space, who pays nothing and does no chores (because shes too unreliable, and Id just be nagging at her, or doing them for her and pissing her off)? As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries You're very welcome. Of course, he keeps doing it his way, so I just ask dunno, why? My DH reminds me when predictable events are coming up and advises me to fill up my calendar! Ex.1. Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). What are you doing?, Unless Im doing something unusual, its true; its wonderfully vague and gives no information; and I get to immediately turn the question back on the asker (which often leads to a better conversation anyway.). I would say something like:"what have you done with yours so that i can learn what to do or avoid.". If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. Its not a question I like either, some of which is due to manipulative/pushy people angling for my time/energy like in the letter, and some of it is due to feeling like I have to feign excitement or a more interesting life in order to keep the conversation going, which is draining (IDK if this is an introvert vs extrovert thing or like how some people seem to have no trouble filling the conversation or making their lives sound interesting; I am not one of those people). One girl mentioned the How are you? and said shed learned not to answer it truthfully because people dont actually care. All of us Americans responded that, well no, its not that we dont actually care. Itd be a big help, but if not I could find someone else. Which is a lot of caveats! that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. Theyre expecting to hear seeing a movie and doing some yardwork, not reciting my social security number out loud while treating my intimate medical issues or anything else not normally shared with a crowd. IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. "Thank you, I appreciate that.". Hello, theres a related phenomenon of *cashiers who dont know you* asking the question. What are you doing Thursday is a way to start a convo gently and without losing face, giving the answerer has the option of answering negatively, positively, or neutrally. Maybe we could get together. This sentence should never be solo. (And this is all, of course, assuming I dont want to go. Youve made such a long-term investment in your child already why put the future relationship at such risk? Me: Nope. The one my family goes with is Surviving. And I have an aunt who, when I was younger, my preferring to do nothing plans often translated in her head to free babysitting for her boys. It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. Hence the claim some of your time, or even the if youre available as a way to say, you have to have solid plans if youre going to tell me no; you cant just say you dont want to do it.. If I were any better, I'd be you. Them (if it was small talk) *moves on to a different topic* This way, you are always busy when those people ask. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. Thats thats exactly what makes it a microagression. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. What are you doing for dinner? See how thats all about you, and your kids, and not at all about her? Oh my god I have to go to (thing) which is (plaaaaace). Or is it more like she doesnt get involved into such decisions but you expect her to follow through and water your radishes? Call me. Does *your* phone not work? That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. If its something Im keen on, the answer is, Woot! Plus they have the freedom to say Nah, cant on Saturday, but Im free Friday or whatever. If they want to invite me to something Im interested in and available for, I can say yes, and if its something I cant do, I can say I have other plans, etc without it sounding weird. Maybe you can Google it. I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. Its not an actual request for information, its a greeting and acknowledgement of each others existence. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? Im glad for the above scripts! Especially if I have reason to suspect its just going to be some variation of wanna hang out? if you have something concrete to suggest, lead with that! I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. If the other person isnt in a chatty mood, we go comfortably silent after a few pleasantries because the Small Talk Gods have been appeased. If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. Im sure its benignly intended but its intrusive. 1) Let the weekend memes begin! @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. My daughter is also struggling with brainweasels and getting a job. I think we can get trapped in endless circles of soft invitations where neither person ever gets the push to move forward, so Ive tried to get more into the habit of being explicit about a desire for the other person to act. Amazing what showering can do for you. In this case it has the added benefit of short-circuiting the waiting for you to say nothing so I can guilt you into babysitting gambit. OK, you want to ASK if hell help you w/ your home maintenance, fine, but these are not HIS chores anymore. There are still traces of that damage; Im still mad about it. But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. If not, then they'll just think you're being cheeky, which of course, you are. I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. I was never taught that was the correct answer. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. Most of them, anyway. I eat most things except Mexican, but with some people I have learned to just make the decision or well spend so much time dithering that once we decide on a place, my lunch break will be over. Something like this happens every single time. Yes, exactly. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. FRIEND: I am available [date]! Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. You dont sound like you belong here isnt really the friendliest way to get to know someone, even if the intentions are good. It is one of my pet peeves. Theyre couched as requests, and a truly good reason would be all the excuse we would need. If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. Auto-reply email sample: Hi [first_name], Thanks so much for reaching out! no one tries to rope me into something). And genuinely interested in what theyre doing! Giving my notebook a bath. I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. Youll all be healthier and live longer if they learn some manners in how they treat you. (Like the How are you? inquiries) Reply with 'Hey' Back. But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). As I explained, however, sometimes responding to a compliment requires a funny response. I am admittedly very sensitive to potential power issues, so I have a hard time seeing when theyre really there and when Im just reacting as though they are. Oh, stop it, will you? Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. 3. I think this is a lot clearer in other contexts. Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. And because family members pitch in. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. However, there are a lot of male people who use this approach on female people because they are trying to be coercive. I see it my grandmothers A LOT, and how its been passed down to their daughters mainly. (Right Now): What are you doing sometimes means at the very present in which activity are you involved in? This is where you really have to double down on the super-beaming positive manner of absolute assurance. Mittens and I can primal scream together. More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. For me, it makes saying no so much harder. I will have to remember, the next time I must declare myself to a new prospective partner, to offer up the alternative plan of talking about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes and then never bringing it up again. There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. The bigger words you use, the better. What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. a coworker you dont hang out with outside of work asking this question on a Friday) and as a pre-request/invitation. For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. Setting that aside for the moment, its apparently *supposed* to go like this: Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. Another good script Ive heard for when the person is clearly trying to invite you to something is What did you have in mind?, If theyre small-talking, you can say something like Hopefully relaxing and destressing. 2. You can do that! Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" I love having something witty, funny, or even sarcastic cued up in response to one of the most common questions asked in any given day. Them: We should have lunch soon. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. How hard is it, whats the timing, is it just for me personally (thats a favor), or is it for the greater familyHER greater family? Your mother/father and I are going to X, would you like to come along?. Speaking about sudden change of moods and plans, and friends getting you: Several years ago, at the phone, ten minutes before a scheduled meeting with my friends in a pub to watch the incoming results of the Brexit referendum. But more often we talk about their kids or grandkids or the cute hat theyre wearing or the wedding theyre shopping for. (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on). Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. Give small truths. If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. What about you?. It seems to me to have grown somehow out of how do you do, to which the appropriate response was, of course, how do you do. In my experience, soft invitations are never meant. This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. I still have the same question of why do this? Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. Suggesting someones internal dialogue over a situation is a pretty extreme response feels blame-y and a way to police someones (totally valid) feels. I get the rude stealth favor askers too and it irritates. (Like just because I have no plans, I must do the Thing she wants to do. So I got in the habit of saying, I have no plans and thats just the way I like it. Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. Id like to get you to take out the trash.), There *is* a certain amount of call on her time that I -do- feel entitled to (she lives in my home, not hers; shes a member of my family). Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). Eating. Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. On the other hand, that was a while ago. This has not happened to me, that I know about, but aunt has a sibling who does not hang out with the family much, for reasons that dont need exploring at this juncture, and I have heard them say stuff like I cant believe shed rather [wash her hair/go to the doctor/chores/etc] than have lunch with us. or right out, shes making up excuses to not go out with us. And some family members are theyre hurt by it and some just dont get it. So, now give me my money back. There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. When Im asked that question (by people other than DD), I usually go with Why do you ask?. person: cool yep Yeah Im keen., I honestly never get asked this question as anything other than innocuous small talk. Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. "Thanks, it was a chance to relax and I am grateful for that.". TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. Or DP: No free time at ALL? You can do it as far as you can. The Gladys response is a strategy where all anyone will ever see is you beaming at Pushy Neighbor, talking in a hugely positive way at Pushy Neighbor, and so on, but youre still getting to tell Pushy Neighbor to back the fuck off. , Related the person who just assumes youre doing whatever theyve planned for you because its a family thing and youre family or I asked Z and they said you were free* or What else would you be doing? because sometimes we have plans that cant change. Invitations are not commands. Early on in dating the boything, he would ask what I was doing that night in a way that made me think it was small talkso Id say oh, Im working on [project] probably, or I might just have an early night. And then he would assume I wasnt free, whereas if he would have said hey do you want to have dinner? I would have been on board. ? comments. If they play extra coy with me, Ill just be extra cryptic in return.
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